Office Monkey

CONFESSIONAL
have been feeling a little inadequate days. not sure what brought it on- teachers college application forms, the weather- but mind has been filled with memories of shame and regret. Especially at night. Here is a random assortment of the kinds of thoughts that have been tormenting me lately:

- grade 12 religion class. group presentation on the sacrament of marriage. Mr. P asked me how long a catholic’s engagement has to be before you can get married. I dont know. Mr. P frowns. J, another group member, answers correctly.

- age 16/17. D calls to book me as sitter for his kids so he can take his wife out for surprise birthday dinner. on day of dinner i forget and am in karate class when dad shows up to get me. i make feeble apology to D when i arrive late. he is clearly upset.

- another time while babysitting for D I am going through bracelet weaving phase and bring stuff to work on while kids play. they ask me to make one for them. I say ok but parents come home and I run outta time. next day the kids call to ask for bracelet and i promise to mail it to them. never did.

- grade 11 math. S asks me to tutor him in math at lunch. this is confusing as he is doing fine in class and i am less than confident in my own math skills. we make plans to meet in the library. he does not show up. over the next little while S repeats his request and he/I occassionally do meet at library for lame/awkward sessions.

- last summer, went to a party at friend’s home. didnt know any of her guests very well. feel like i made an ass of myself. talked too much, laughed too loudly, hugged someone i didnt know.